The subject of courtship is vast. We’re all interested in it, and few of us feel equipped to do it with grace. It’s exciting…and it’s scary. We know some things about the courtship process. It has a certain number of steps, which differ depending on whose research your using (today we’ll use mine), and starts with ‘hello’…first meeting…and progresses through a ‘getting to know you’ stage to the pivotal point of being sexual together, which we call ‘consummation.’
Of course courtship continues…hopefully forever, but here I want to talk about the early part of the process because it is so important…and where we all start.
Every relationship begins with “hello”, in one form or another. We rarely know when we’re going to meet someone new, nor do we know where that new relationship will go. This is one of the exciting aspects of dating. When we are open to opportunity, all sorts of surprises are in store! We are easily intimidated by courtship. We hear warnings like, “You won’t find anyone special until you quit looking.” Hogwash! It’s fairy-tale thinking: that if you just sleepwalk through life, waiting for your prince (or princess) to come, that your passivity will be rewarded with happily-everafter. The truth is we have a much better chance of getting what we want if we ask for it, and we spend far more Saturday nights in our jammies…alone… waiting for a knock on our door than if we are out there having fun and keeping our eyes open.
Another trap we can easily fall into is going to some place loaded with potentials rather than going somewhere where we know we will have a good time. If you’re lousy at drinking and loud music gives you a headache, quit frequenting the bars. If you don’t ‘get’ poetry, stay away from the slams. If you were born lacking a sporty gene, leave that locker room. Ask yourself, “What do I really enjoy doing? What do I do just because it makes me happy?” That’s where you want to hang out, and that’s also where you’ll find others who share your interests.
“That’s it? Just show up?” you ask? Adopting an attitude of watchful waiting is a fundamental step in the process. It pays to set up for success, as well. Consider your forays out into the social world as chances. If you want to win, you have to play. Moreover, you want to play smart to increase your odds. So before you head out, stop and evaluate your presentation. Brush your teeth, and your hair. Are you clothes clean? Do you look good? If in doubt, change something and check the mirror again. Would you notice you? Now I’m not suggesting that you be a fashion slave, just that you be intentional about what you communicate about yourself to others. After all, you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
When we first meet someone, eye contact is our first connection. We make a jillion assumptions about people based on all sorts of things that have nothing to do with truth. Does this person remind you of someone you like….or don’t? Are they part of one of your groups, or are they different from you? Are you physically attracted to them? Although sometimes we grow to appreciate someone’s looks as we come to love them, initial attraction is the norm. It immediately puts that person in a different category. Sexual attraction is a compelling force.
If they share the reaction, sparks fly and pheromones permeate the air. We (stereotypically) become coquettish (if we’re female) or grandiose (if male). We revert unconsciously and somewhat uncontrollably to our ancestral selves, complete with biologically determined courtship dance routines. For those of you intrigued by this fascinating topic, find Sex Signals by Tim Perper, books by Helen Fisher, author of The First Sex, The Sex Contract: The Evolution of Human Behavior, and Anatomy of Love: The Natural History of Monogamy, Adultery, and Divorce, or find a copy of Desmond Morris’s unfortunately titled Manwatching, in which there we are in all our animalistic, evolutionarily-charged predictability.
Now that we’ve made eye contact with someone we’re attracted to, and they seem interested in us, too, what happens next? Then we need to speak. It doesn’t matter much what we say, though witty opening lines can be attention-getting and remembered. On the other hand, smarmy comes on turn people off. There are a number of books available to smooth this part of the process. A book I heartily recommend is Carol Queen’s Exhibitionism for the Shy, a guide to how to become socially graceful and confident.
Read the rest at From “Hello” to “Good Morning” – part 2
By Dr. Pega Ren Ed.D.
Registered Clinical Counsellor
Board Certified Sexologist
Smart Sex Talk
www.smartsextalk.com
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